feelin' good!

Feeeling Great! getting ready to go on vacation with my family. all is swell!

So much to say, so little time

I do have a lot to say.
But it is Tuesday night and Jeff is home and I can only stay as long as it take for me to eat my wonderful dinner.
So...just a couple of base words.
New
Way of
Eating
No joke.
I have been almost carb and sugar free for one week and I feel AWESOME!!!!!!! (i have a cheat day)
If you want to know what I am doing email me privately and I might tell you. lol
okay, times up. We have family movie night.
We are watching Pinocchio.
Maybe it was help with the lying and sneakin' we have been dealing with.
Never owned it until yesterday.
(dont worry, we have late start school tomorrow and we dont start until 9am)

boys

Boys are so gross.
Just a fact I thought was worth sharing.
If you live with 3 or more boys, than you understand.
If not, I am jealous.
I know that someday I will miss the bangs of basketballs on my floor, walls and doors. The shooting sounds of video games from the TV, and lots and lots of dirty, muddy clothes to wash.
Someday I will miss the bags and bags of groceries I have to buy, load and unload from the car. I will miss the dozens of meals I make every week.
And I will miss the loads and loads of dishes I wash.
The fart sounds, and burp contests, the snakes in the sinks, and bugs in the jars.
The piles of Nerf guns and army gear. The yelling and fighting and and squealing for "MOM!" The wrestling and name calling, and crying.
The scrapes and bruises from a tumbled bike ride.
Someday I will miss all of it.
But I don't like it now.
Okay, maybe a little.
But JUST A LITTLE, teeny, tiny, bit.

Voices

I hear voices.
I have for years.
Okay, so not really voices, but a voice.
Not my voice in my head, but a really negative voice.
This voice on a daily basis would tell me I am a peice of crap.
I am dirt on someone shoes.
Not really loved or like.
I could go on, but I think you get the point.
I am talking, twenty-something years.
I am 38.
It started long before I got married.
And the worst part..... I believed it.
I believed this horrible voice.
I have never been able to resist the voice until it wanted me to harm myself.
That was a bad day.
I knew I could never go through with it.
My kids would be the ones to suffer the most.
Why am I telling you this?
Why am I sharing this personal part of my life with anyone?
Because the voice is gone.
I finally told my doctor about my thoughts of suicide, and she got me on some meds.
Now, why in the world didn't I do this before?
I believed my voice and I believed I wasn't worth it.
I am so much happier now.
I am not 100%, but I am getting there.
I am sharing, just in case, there is someone else out there like me, who might happen upon my blog and understand, have the same problem and can help them.
I am also sharing so that people who do know me, can finally understand where i have been the lasy 20 years or so and maybe they will say..." oh okay, that makes sense. she was crazy after all, glad she is getting help"
yes, I joke, but seriously.
Someone out there knew it. She spotted it years ago, called me on it, and because I didn't want to believe it, we were never able to be really good friends.
She was so right. Sorry about that.
I am doing TONS better.
I am on a new heathy eating plan, something even I can do.
I plan to start walking when it stops raining.
Someday....dont laugh.... I want to run a marathon.
I want to fly to Utah and see my BFF. (one seat)lol

Not much else is happening in my life.
I am a mom of six, so I clean, cook, and hug alot.