1 whole month

I cant believe it has been that long since I blogged.
I have been busy.
Last days of school....
GIRLS CAMP.... that is what took up most of my time.
My husband is glad to have me back, but I am not happy to be.
I LOVED girls camp.
Although I didn't feel my purpose there... I loved it.
I now, have nothing to do, I feel my value...disappearing....
Does that make any sense?
People tell me I say ...divulge too much on my blog.
Isn't that what this is supposed to be?
This was never a place to brag about how wonderful my life is or kids are, Not for me anyway....or awesome my spouse is. Dont get me wrong, they are all of that, but ....hard to explain.
I am feeling the hum drums of "after camp".
Yes, I can play with my kids more, but I can also get all those projects I was putting off until "after camp" done too.
Oh joy.
It is very hot and I am sooo not in the mood to clean out closets and organize stuff.
I should be more excited that I have wedding stuff to do for my sister Carrie.
Yes, she is getting married in September. I am very excited for her. We love Brent her fiance.
I am just not in the mood.
There is more going on in my life that requires more explanation, but it is more private than I can share here. (see I don't share everything)
I feel myself slipping into a depression.
I will get over it.
I need to have a good long talk with someone...my mom is usually the very best person to whine to.
When I can do that I will feel so much better.
Maybe a beach trip or a Temple session will help?
I think so. I will give both of those a try.
so to sum it all up....
I am fine.
tired, but fine.

Scrapbooking

I am scrapbooking again.

(after you get over the shock that I am posting so soon after the last post, and the fact that I am scrapbooking again....
Yes, it is true.
A hobby, no art, that I was passionate about had returned into my life.
I even cleaned off my scrapbook desk and moved it out from my room and in to the living room.
My fabulous cousin Denise messaged me on Facebook, to make a scrapbook for her son. (it is a surprise, so shhhhhh, he is too busy being a boy, to read my blog, so I am not worried)
I said yes.
On top of going to Girls camp and having A LOT of little projects that goes along with it, I am a mother of 6.
I know with help from Jeff I will be able to get everything done on time.
Plus, I said yes before I knew I was going to Girls Camp.
Cross you fingers and toes, that it all works out.
I would , but I need my fingers to scrapbook.

LOST

I am seriously addicted to the TV show LOST.
yes, the very one I used to make fun of.
The very one I teased my sister Sarah about.
Now I am hooked and all I want to do after the kids go to bed is watch it. Jeff and I sit together and watch....sometimes until 1 in the morning.

We finally got the netflix disc for the Wii so we could watch movie instantly.
then for almost a year we had to get the wifi.
I am literally kicking myself....
WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS A LONG TIME AGO!!!!!!
Yes, it does mean wasting hours and hours time watching TV, but there are movies, i would love for my kids to see.
and the old shows...like
Flipper and the Cosby Show.
I wonder if they will ever put the Monkee's on netflix. that would be awesome.... and the Brady bunch.
I am so excited. it is bed time and Jeff is almost home.
Just gotta get on the PJ's and get the house picked up.
I also got a new (well new to me) computer. My uncle Roger knew a guy ready to sell a used one.
I said yes.
So you may see a lot more of me on here again.
After girls camp.
After school is out....hopefully.

Photography

I love looking at photography blogs. I am amazed at how one can capture the beauty of anything in a flash....a second....a blink of an eye.
I love to take pictures myself...
okay, I am not as god as most people at taking pictures, but I am not bad.
I just need a more sophisticated camera and one class with a very good photographer.
one like my amazing cousin Felisha Cotrin.
She is soooooo talented.
She lives in Oklahoma, but she is willing to come to California to take pictures if you ask really nice. (well, and pay her too)
She is totally worth it. I would share more of her pictures, but I havent figured out how to make the pictures small enough to load on here.
that, I guess, is one class i will need first.

Very Little time

literally.
I barely have time to post this.
I just am so busy. and when I am not, I play the boys DS's for my down time while I listen to my daily dose of Gilmore Girls.

Our vacation was fun. Always more work for the parents (mostly moms) but it was fun. Kids had a blast.
We bought a car about 14 days before we left on vacation.
A 2004 Ford Excursion.
Nick named "the beast" because it is huge and very scary to drive. I am still practicing my parking skills in the back of the parking lot and huffing it to the from of the store. (exercise right)
It is a gas guzzler, but it fits all 8 of us.
I finally got my glasses ordered. So I will be able to see the world the way it is suppose to look like. NOT FUZZY!
I somehow lost my Cell phone.. I know... my other brain!!!!
with the help of my awesome brother I will get it tomorrow. I have been using a temp phone my sister let me borrow, and it has kept me going.
I just dont feel whole!!!!
My Sammy turned 8 and will be baptized soon.
I am now part of the Nursery at church. i am very excited. I love being with those sweet young spirits. What's not to love, Toys, snack, lesson? easy!
I am currently working on Girls camp with my Aunt. and it almost consumes my life.
My meds are working as long as I take my meds everyday.
I figured out I have RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) and having a hard time falling asleep. I get my meds soon.
Hopefully That will take care of my sleeping problems which will give me more energy so I can start getting ready to do phase one of my new life.... a marathon.
don't laugh.....not tooo loud anyway.
I will lose this hefty weight and I will run in a marathon. I WILL!!!!
After I fulfil that dream, I will learn to drive a car like an CIA agent or ...FBI!
I am tired and of not doing stuff.
Oh, i forgot ablut Salsa Dancing.... or surfing....or ......

feelin' good!

Feeeling Great! getting ready to go on vacation with my family. all is swell!

So much to say, so little time

I do have a lot to say.
But it is Tuesday night and Jeff is home and I can only stay as long as it take for me to eat my wonderful dinner.
So...just a couple of base words.
New
Way of
Eating
No joke.
I have been almost carb and sugar free for one week and I feel AWESOME!!!!!!! (i have a cheat day)
If you want to know what I am doing email me privately and I might tell you. lol
okay, times up. We have family movie night.
We are watching Pinocchio.
Maybe it was help with the lying and sneakin' we have been dealing with.
Never owned it until yesterday.
(dont worry, we have late start school tomorrow and we dont start until 9am)

boys

Boys are so gross.
Just a fact I thought was worth sharing.
If you live with 3 or more boys, than you understand.
If not, I am jealous.
I know that someday I will miss the bangs of basketballs on my floor, walls and doors. The shooting sounds of video games from the TV, and lots and lots of dirty, muddy clothes to wash.
Someday I will miss the bags and bags of groceries I have to buy, load and unload from the car. I will miss the dozens of meals I make every week.
And I will miss the loads and loads of dishes I wash.
The fart sounds, and burp contests, the snakes in the sinks, and bugs in the jars.
The piles of Nerf guns and army gear. The yelling and fighting and and squealing for "MOM!" The wrestling and name calling, and crying.
The scrapes and bruises from a tumbled bike ride.
Someday I will miss all of it.
But I don't like it now.
Okay, maybe a little.
But JUST A LITTLE, teeny, tiny, bit.

Voices

I hear voices.
I have for years.
Okay, so not really voices, but a voice.
Not my voice in my head, but a really negative voice.
This voice on a daily basis would tell me I am a peice of crap.
I am dirt on someone shoes.
Not really loved or like.
I could go on, but I think you get the point.
I am talking, twenty-something years.
I am 38.
It started long before I got married.
And the worst part..... I believed it.
I believed this horrible voice.
I have never been able to resist the voice until it wanted me to harm myself.
That was a bad day.
I knew I could never go through with it.
My kids would be the ones to suffer the most.
Why am I telling you this?
Why am I sharing this personal part of my life with anyone?
Because the voice is gone.
I finally told my doctor about my thoughts of suicide, and she got me on some meds.
Now, why in the world didn't I do this before?
I believed my voice and I believed I wasn't worth it.
I am so much happier now.
I am not 100%, but I am getting there.
I am sharing, just in case, there is someone else out there like me, who might happen upon my blog and understand, have the same problem and can help them.
I am also sharing so that people who do know me, can finally understand where i have been the lasy 20 years or so and maybe they will say..." oh okay, that makes sense. she was crazy after all, glad she is getting help"
yes, I joke, but seriously.
Someone out there knew it. She spotted it years ago, called me on it, and because I didn't want to believe it, we were never able to be really good friends.
She was so right. Sorry about that.
I am doing TONS better.
I am on a new heathy eating plan, something even I can do.
I plan to start walking when it stops raining.
Someday....dont laugh.... I want to run a marathon.
I want to fly to Utah and see my BFF. (one seat)lol

Not much else is happening in my life.
I am a mom of six, so I clean, cook, and hug alot.

Hearts

I decorate for every holiday.
Yes, and this month it is the "love" month.
As I type this, my daughter has collected all my hearts.
All of my glittery card board hearts I bought last year at Wal-mart that I strategically placed all over my the family and living room.
It made me think about my real heart...or hearts.
My awesome adorable husband and 6 awesome adorable children who have claimed a piece in my heart forever.
I hope I have a nice place in theirs.
That is my question....or questions....
I am sure they love me, they tell me everyday, as I tell them.
But....
Do I show enough love for my 7 favorite people on the planet?
Do I really try to bring love into my home?
I know daily scripture and prayer with my family will answer that question, but kids wont remember that.
I don't. I remember all the little things my mom did for me.

Am I truly showing them all the love I have?

I feel like I do.
But maybe I could do more.
I am so in love with them all.
Any ideas on what I could do?
I have a few ideas.
here's the thing...
Every Valentines day Jeff and I get something fabulous for the kids and I write a cutesy little note....
Something we didnt have enough money for for Christmas, and it is Income Tax Return time so...
One year was a Guitar Hero video game and I got a Guitar Hero poster and wrote a note that said, "You boys rock my world, will you be my Valentine?"
Emma got something equally cheesy, but she was only 7 months old and didn't really care.
I have made sugar cookie hearts and little baggies of candy.
I wanna do something different and VERY cheap.
It was a long December with no overtimes, so any extra "stuff" is not gonna happen.
I would love ideas so I don't have to waste hours on the Internet looking.
I would rather spend my few eatr minutes of spare time watching a princess movie with Emma, or goofing off with my boys.
I would love an day by day idea of showing my family i love them also.
And cleaning and caring for their daily needs doesn't count.
That is my job.
And I actually like it.
Most days.