Flash Back Friday - Me

Mother's day is coming up.
It's not a favorite holiday.
I mean I totally enjoy it and I am glad it is there.
But I can't say I look forward to it...yet.
(It is usually disappointing.)
But, I so am glad I am a mother.

This is a picture of me on my 10th birthday.
I was getting a Cabbage patch new born baby.
It was a boy. (I think it is funny, I didn't even have girl baby dolls)
His name was Christopher Michael.
I was thrilled.
I loved playing with dolls.
Even at age 10.
Playing the roll of Mommy.

I was holding my sweet Michael last night and just looking at his sweet sleeping face on my chest, i got all teary eyed and warm fussy all over.
It made me miss him.
Yes, he was right there, but I almost wanted him to be awake with his big happy smile. He has the best smile.
I thought of my other boys and guilt hit me.
Earlier that night, I realized my boys don't hug me before bed anymore. No kisses good night. Nothing.
I made them hug me. They seemed to love it. I held on a little longer than usual.
They are so big now.
Where did the time go?
How did I miss it?
I didn't miss anything, obviously, I was there. I was just being the Mom.
The one busy.
The one who did almost everything.
The one making sure they were fed and clean and loved.
I was the one who remembered their favorite things. I was the one who encouraged them to try.
I was the one who pushed for homework, chores and clean rooms to get done. Not for my sanity, so they could learn.
I was the one who loved them even when they were rotten stinky boys.
It all feels like a blur.
Where was I when they were growing up? I was here, but I feel like I missed it.
How is that possible?
I think about the day I became a real mom.
December 19th, 1995.
Matthew was so little . Too early and so tiny.
I was so happy. Just happy.
Finally, doing my dream job. I had no idea what I was doing, but I was just so happy.
I look at that picture and a few more from birthday and Christmases when I was little, and I think I got baby for each one. (up until I was 10)
It makes me remember that all I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a Mom.
I knew that I wanted to get married and just be a mom.
My Mom was and still is an AMAZING mother. I remember I wanted to do what she did. I wanted to be a Mom just like here.
Some days I REALLY hate my job. (you know, you've been here), because some days it is harder than others.
But I truly love my job.
The good, the bad and the ugly of it all.
I am getting better at it. I have entered teenage world. Matthew is a little behind on things a teenage boy would do. (Especially with girls, and no I am not sad about that part at all)
I have so very much time in this job left.
I have forever.
I have forever to get it just right.
I realized that the joys and wonders of motherhood are plain as day to most of you all, But I am slow learner and it takes me a little bit longer to figure things out.
I also have this memory thing (not just from motherhood, just born that way), I tend to forget a great many things, even the simple wonders of motherhood.
I am gonna try harder.
Good thing I am a scrapbooker, or nothing would ever be remembered.
Feel free to make fun of my hair in the photo, I know I will.