Failure

We all feel like we have failed at something at one time or another.
But lately I feel like I am failing at everything.
And.
And I don't know how to fix it.
I have been getting email reports on how my son Matthew has been doing at school. The latest ones shows that he is failing all of his classes but one.
And no, it is not PE, it is Earth Science.
Matthew is not your typical 15 year old. He has no desires to be a normal teenager and girls are not on the brain. The only thing he cares about is Lego's. and his MP3 player, and his DS game system. He doesn't care much for his cell phone. Probably, because there is no one to talk to or text to.
He is socially behind. Which is why there is no one to text or call.
It breaks my heart.
I mourned the loss of my perfect child years go when we found how he had learning disabilities and A.D.D.
I know I have talked about this before.
And yet, I have found no way to help my son and so I have failed.
My mom asked me about a Relief Society Class she wants to have for her Stake. She is the RS president for her Stake and wants to do a class on Self Esteem or Self worth.
She asked me.
I had to ask her why.
I have been involved in RS activities in years past, in the planning them, but we never touched this subject and I really wouldn't know how.
I have a battle in my brain daily on my own self worth.
I am not posting all of this to get advice.
This is my confessions.
I am journal writing.
This is just here to annoy the really positive thinkers.
*deep sigh*
I could go on and on about the things I am "failing" at, but my biggest concern is my Matthew.
It isn't like he needs a tutor.
Yes, he is failing, but I have seen him do the work. HE CAN DO IT.
He is passing Earth Science.
He doesn't talk to me, I can get him to stayed focused enough to tell me much of anything.
He has to learn focusing tools now, so he can be a productive adult.
I will take advice from others on Matthew.
As I sit here and ponder, I also weep.
We all worry over our children, I have different worries for each of my children.... but Matthew is...
He is so wonderful and frustrating all at the same time.
He is AMAZING with little kids.
He loves to play with them.
But it is almost like he is a child in his brain.
He also doesn't have any friends his age.
*deep sigh and a sniffle.... or two*
We have tried working with the school, but the teachers are annoyed that he is a hard kid to deal/work with. He can't stay focused. Even on the 30 mg of Ritalin he takes 2 times a day. If I stand and watch him take it. (he gets distracted and doesn't take it some days, and that is another long blog post)
It makes me wonder what the teachers would say if he wasn't medicated.
I have a lot of praying and phone calls to make on Monday.
I need to get him tested for other disorders.
What if he is not only ADD? What if he is slightly Autistic? or in that realm?
He might get more help, have more options as far as he education.
Have I mentioned I have ADD? probably.
Part of me knows how he feels. Part of me doesn't.
The part that doesn't, is the part who had a social life in high school.
Grades were not my focus, low self worth has a lot to do with that. I have probably had a low self worth since....wow.....
....since as far back as I can remember. Since the time the 10 year old boy my mom babysat tricked me into playing "doctor".
I didn't know it was bad self worth I was feeling, I just knew it was bad.
It never got any better.
I have always felt that I lived in Murphy's law.
And it is still a miracle to me that I am married to this awesome guy and I have these awesome kids.
Back to failing my Matthew.
I do understand how hard it is to focus, in the 4nd grade (I know I have talked about this before) I was diagnosed with short term memory.
I cant remember some times to go write down the thing I am really suppose to remember.
And if I do remember, I forget where I left the note.
Oh, get a dry erase board you say..... when it comes time to buy it, I forget to add it to the budget. It never happens. Actually I think I bought one once, and I forgot I had it and never used it. or the biys abused it.
It doesn't help that Jeff has a thyroid problem, which causes forgetfulness.
Yes, we are a great parenting pair.
Matthew is doomed.
Back to being serious, I think Matthew has a really bad uncontrollable focusing problem and memory issues.
So, If I have not posted that I have called the doctor and gotten Matthew some help, I beg you, if any of you read my blog, message me, call me, facebook message me...help me. ...to remember.
And if you have any ideas for a class for "Self Worth"....you know...for my mom...just get a message to me somehow.