Okay

I decided to check my blog.
Mostly to see who has updated their blogs.
And I have been sitting here at least an hour. reading. being updated.
I decided I should post too.
It has been a while.
I don't even know where to begin.
Does anyone even care if I update my blog? (I know there is at least 3 out there who do)
Okay, girls camp was wonderful, I felt a little out of place. Like a first year camper.
New camp. They sing the songs wrong...er... I mean different. ALOT of people I didn't know.
The wonder that I am, was tooo shy to introduce herself.
I have been in this house just over a year and a half and I still only know 30 people in my ward.
I have a hard time letting people in.
I did fine ..okay....I did okay, when I moved to Susanville. But I had no one there.
Here, I have my sisters and mom and Aunt Kathie and cousins, my brothers too.
I don't need many friends right.
I know. I need friends. I just cant let people in.
Why would I introduce them to my falling apart life?
Okay, so the falling apart is a tad bit of an exaggeration.
I am an unorganized mess with no desire to be organized.
I have no self confidence, so severly I can't even fake it anymore.
I have to tell myself every day... "just make it through the next day....week...event..."
(just got through Harry Potter...next event is my sister Carrie's Wedding)
If I can do that, then i can fall apart.
Not that I am saying I will, I just feel like that on the inside.
Does any body understamd what I mean?
I feel like i am not making sense.
I dont wanna blog about how happy am I when I am not.
I am happy about some things, just not everything.
And why fake it? that is not me.
If I can just let one person know that she is not the only mom of six "not always behaved" but wonderful kids, a fantastic "i never deserved" hubby that works nights and overtime, too shy, not confident in her self, probably "too laid back", not organized, really funny other person know she is not alone in this world...then complaining about it here on my blog was worth it. (she doesnt even have to post....I understand)
I am ADD and I have short term memory.
So I will probably get distracted and/or forget about this blog post anyway.
See, I am funny.
I do love my kids and my husband. and I never thought I would be in love with 21 boys (all my sons and nephews). I have no better family on the planet.
No, mine is better.
I love where I live.
I am happy, but complicated.
Hey, I like that.
I am getting meds for this depression I have.
I just feel. Blah.
happy, but blah.
If you read my blog and are lost..... welcome to my brain.
I told you I was ADD.
I write how I think.
(oh, I forgot, I do love my neices too.. all 6 of them both Bigney and Scoville families)