Thankful

We had a very wonderful Thanksgiving. We got to spend the day with Jeff's family.

They kids had a blast and I got to play scrabble with the adults (except Karin - long story) and I got to beat my father-in-law. My brother-in-law Keith won in the end.

I am very thankful for all that I have.

My mom went visiting teaching to a lady in the ward and her story of her life was filled with awful and horrible (and I mean HORRIBLE) events.

I am so grateful I have never had to experience those kinds of things.

I am grateful for my life.

My husband whom, I totally adore.

My kids whom, I equally adore.

My family, Parents, sisters, brothers, in-laws, nieces and nephews, cousins, aunts and uncles.

I have so many wonderful people in my life.

I am so grateful for my friends. Past and present. They really help me in my life.

We still have not found a house big enough for all 8 of us and for the amount monthly that we can afford.

After we find a house to rent, we get to buy a bigger car.

I am hoping all this will happen before the new year.

That is the update.

Oh, and my sister Aimee is doing better. Not great, but better.

Have I mentioned how awesome she is? well, she is awesome.

She amazes me everyday.

Jeff is home.

I can't say it is wonderful.

I mean it is good.

We are still getting used to living with each other again.

I think things will be back to normal after his job starts and we are living in our own place.

He shaved his mustache and I love/hate it. He is cute, but I miss MY Jeff's face.

I am doing good. Fighting depression is harder than it looks.

Other than that, my life is pretty darn good.

I have this urge to be creative, so don't be surprised if you get a hand made birth announcement in the mail.

If you want a Christmas card, send me your address via email. All my addresses are in my computer still in storage!

I also need one of my SU friends to send me a link to SU. i need to say hi. and i don't have my computer.

5 more days

5 more days.....

5 more days and Jeff is home for good.

5 more days and I won't have to do this parenting thing alone.

5 more days and Jeff can spend time with his newly born son.

5 more days and the boys will be in a better mood.

5 more days and Emma will be in a better mood.

5 more days and I will be in a better mood.

5 more days and we will be very busy looking for a house.

5 more days and Jeff will be home.

5 more days and I will not have to sleep alone....Michael doesn't count.

5 more days and I will be soooo happy.

5 more days....

If you ask me..

Well if you ask me I will lie.

Okay, I won't, but if you don't want to really know.... don't ask.

I am struggling.

I know most blogs are about fun and wonderful things happening in their lives.

But this is not my family blog and frankly, nothing wonderful is happening.

Except Michael... He smiled at me.

I love holding that little guy.

Even when he is crying. Don't get me wrong, I do get frustrated at the screaming and not being able to fix it.

Babies are suppose to cry. They just do. It is their only way of communication, but then the reason they are crying is because something isn't right and they need it fixed. I got lucky, he really doesn't cry that much.

And I am actually taking that time to snuggle and just love him.

I don't remember doing that with the other kids, I am sure I did but I don't remember it.

I think I am making myself really enjoy this one.

Yes, even with everything going on.

I don't really have friends. Family is all busy with their own lives.

All I have is.... boys to school. feed babies, try to clean, feed babies (Michael and Emma), boys home, feed all my babies, homework, try to get chores and homework done, make dinner, feed babies, and get them off to bed. Then try cleaning and feed baby. Go to bed...feed baby... do it all over again.

If you ask me....

I am struggling as a mother. It is hard to discipline your kids with Grandparents here at the same time. No they don't do a lot of "putting their two cents in", but i guess it is just me being insecure. I am not like my Mom in the discipline department, and I am afraid she is thinking I am doing it wrong.

I feel as if I have failed. I have not taught them the things they NEED to know. And yet, when is time for scriptures and prayers at night, I am so crazed with frustration and anger, I don't wanna. I just want them to go to bed. Yet, if they had this in their lives, they might be different.

If you ask me....

"Oh, the Joy's of raising Boys".....who ever came up with that crap is seriously disturbed.

What joy? Okay maybe a little.

And we are talking, LITTLE!

They are messy, and gross, and loud and ....oh man, I could go on and on, or just insert a previous post, You all know how I feel.

I LOVE my boys, but liking them is different.

So many other factors they don't talk about with raising boys... is girls.

I mean they tell you boys like girls, but....

I am just so glad Jeff will be home soon. Jeff can talk to the boys about girls.

*deep sigh*

If you ask me....

Have I ever told you I hate calling people on the phone?

Nothing personal. I am mostly just a goober. and I sound like an idiot. (no laughing)

It took me a while to be able to talk to my best friend in Utah.

Now I have to call all these places to ask if we can see/rent a house.

It stresses me out to the point of anxiety.

The pressure from my mom has started.

Jeff called on the house we saw yesterday. ( too small of a kitchen, and too much $ for being backed up to the freeway)

I know I have to get up the nerve, and honestly (remember i don't lie), every time, I get up the nerve, something happens.

If you ask me...

I am a mess.

And If I really let it all out, you would be calling a doctor to have be committed.

No... it really just feels like it is bad...my "mess" is really just self doubt.

If you ask me... the only cure for my "mess" is a couple of good long naps, in my own bed, next to my husband, while my kids read scriptures to each other and do their chores without asking.

If you ask me.... I will probably lie.

I am just fine.

Help

I need to find a place to live.

If you find yourself bored and sitting on the computer. help me find a place to live.

Elk Grove and Natomas is too far.

Orangevale is okay.

Need a 4 bedroom 2 bath house.

with at least 1500 and the very least.

okay, get to work.

Yes, I have been looking for days.

and I am worried about my credit.

Our credit.

If we can' t by a house because of credit, who is gonna rent us one.

Okay, think good thoughts and say a few prayers.

Fatty

Okay, I have NEVER claimed to be something divine or beautiful.

I KNOW i am a fat girl.

Am I happy about it?

Not only no, but heck no.

Do I do anything about it?

No.

why you ask?

I AM SO TIRED!

yes, I know, exercise does give you energy...eventually.

But until you hit that "regular basis-everyday crap...er... i mean routine", I am toooooo tired.

I may, if lucky, get 4 hours of sleep at night.

not enough to get me even motivated.

another things is, yes, I am breast-feeding.

Most women lose weight when the breast-feed their babies.

I DO NOT!

I mostly gain weight.

I crave food while I am nursing and I am hungry all the time.

I am stressed so I eat crap.

I am hoping once my new meds kick in it will curb my appetite.

but watch, with me, it will be bazaar and very rare and I will gain even more weight and really look like a giant cow.

I am trying to be positive...okay, not really, but I am trying not to be too depressed when I go to church and EVERYONE is cute, young and beautiful.

They, on top of that, are REALLY nice, too.

okay, rant over.

Hopefully Jeff will be approved for the time off and he will be here before Thanksgiving and not have to go back.

I wish I could go meet him somewhere and stay with him and say good bye to everyone.

See Susanville one more time. I dunno how I could do it.

The boys want to play in the snow, maybe we will take a trip up and see it and say hi!

okay, back to my duties.

sit on my fat butt, and eat my fat food, and just be fat.

And to deal with my severely A.D.D child who did not take his afternoon meds and is about mentally 5 years old.

That is no joke.

He makes me crazy.

Fat crazy.

*deep sigh*

what can I say....

I am busy.

I am tired.

I am tired of being busy.

Kids are sick.

Kids are crying.

I am tired of kids being sick and crying.

Lots of stress.

Lots of worry.

I am tired of being stressed and worrying.

Money is tight.

Money is not enough.

I am tired of money being tight and not having enough.

Missing Jeff.

Needing Jeff.

I am tired of missing and needing Jeff.

That pretty much sums up my life.

The best part of my day is Matthew, Nathan, Caleb, Sammy, Emma, and Michael.

Responsibility

(here I go complaining again)

Responsibility.

I hate that word.

It is exhausting.

I have so much of it, it gives me anxiety.

Right now I am in charge of 6 kids, the bills, the groceries, the laundry, the chores, homework, finding a place to live and keeping everyone happy.

Finding a place to live and being a singe parent is the hardest part so far.

I am so tired too.

We are trying to decide if we should buy or rent.

Or course buying would be smarter.

But lets face it, we didn't know much about credit when we got ours way back when and we really screwed it up before we realized the impact.

It is better, but getting a home loan is questionable.

Maybe I shouldn't tell you. Maybe I should just keep it to myself.

But honestly, what am I ashamed of?

Making some bad decisions years ago?

It happens.

Can't go back and change it.

It is what it is.

I keep sighing.... deep and long.

My mind is constantly worried about the boys bother my mom and dad. The house not being as clean as mom likes it. The boys and school work. How dad not being here is effecting them.

Saving enough money, while trying to feed and clothe my kids. (so much is in storage and not easy to get too.)

I can't even describe how exhausted I am.

Looking forward to the day I have less responsibility....

okay, so that will never happen, so can I look forward to my own place?

I feel terrible.

I made a comment on Facebook (it has been deleted) about my brother being here a year and that maybe my mom liked him better.

He was hurt by the comment and I am sooooo regretting it. It was just a joke.

And the fact is, never should have said it.

I am just a brat. I have no other excuse except that being a brat is the only thing I am good at. All unintentional.

I just didn't think it would be hurtful.

Sorry Jeremy.

Apart

I know i said I would post. (sometimes I wonder if anyone reads this nonsense)

But Jeff has been here and I don't want to spend my time blogging and not being with him.

The week he has been here has flown by.

It has been interesting.

Have any of you been apart from your husband for more than 2 1/2 weeks?

It is not a good thing.

It is very hard to get back into the "groove" of each other again.

Meaning, I have a way of doing things and he hasn't had to worry about anyone but himself.

(i have always told it how it is)

Fighting? Yes, lots.

But it isn't easy being apart. Money and kids are always an issue, being apart is harder.

So not much to blog about.

He goes back Thursday and I won't SEE him until Thanksgiving.

This will be hard.

I missed my 6 week check up... sad I know. (going Friday)

I have noticed some post-partum depression.

I have always been hard on myself and depressed. it comes and goes, but this time, with my life the way it is, it is worse.

Not anything like Brooke Shields, but it is not good.

I have gotten a lot of family telling me medication might be a good thing.

Considering all that is going on, my kids really deserve a well functioning mother.

I am asking my doctor Friday for medication.

Hopefully it will help.

Boys are not doing well in school. They are great boys.

Helpful.

You have no idea how helpful, how awesome they really are.

I might cry from sheer pride.

Emma is perfection. Needs to potty train and get off the bottle. I am not ready, plus I am too tired to deal with it.

Michael is at that age where he just cries. He is so big he is 6 weeks old and is wearing 3 month to 6 month size clothes.

I just want to cry, but I am too tired.

It has been a long 10 weeks that we have been here.

I think I deserve to be tired and a little depressed.

10 weeks.

I can't believe we have been here 10 weeks.

side note: I got your card Elizabeth, Thank you. Cheered me up. Funny thing, that same day, I was looking at Halloween cards and I almost bought you one. Remember those days. Some of my favorite days.

This post was edited for spelling errors and forgotten information.

Halloween

... was great!

I was a big fat witch... so the costume was not hard to put together.

I will post pictures later.

Just so busy.