Winter Blues

I am there.
That place I don't like to be.
I am not unhappy, but I am not excited to get out of bed every day.
I am not a morning person so that doesn't really say much.
I feel the depression creepy back.
Like this dark grey cloud looming over my head.
I constantly have to to tell it to go away.
I can try and blame the winter's gloomy days, but I can't.
I love the gloomy days, the over cast, grey days.
It makes me smile.
I love snuggling on the couch and watching a movie, or playing games with family.
Seriously, I could live in Forks, Washington and be totally happy.
I do hate what January brings.
Every 5 seconds on the TV you see a commercial or infomercial about weight loss and exercise.
It makes me depressed.
Worse than I already am!!!!!!!
I know I am fat!!!!
I have a mirror!!!!
I also have 6 kids and barely get a straight 3 hour "nap" at night.
I do have A LOT to do.
I know.
It still isn't a good enough excuse.
There is a lot I want to do with my family this year, but I don't see myself enjoying it as much, if I am this heavy.
I am done having babies and my baby should be sleeping through the night.
(he doesn't)
I know I need to get out there and just do something.
Anything.
The other night I danced for a good 15 minutes while I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen.
I know, I would have done it longer, but I ran out of dishes and kitchen to clean.
I wasn't even out of breath, which made me feel really good.
Eating healthy is also in issue.
I have no problem eating healthy, but fresh veggies and fruits are expensive.
I am still on a 3 furloughed, one income, family 0f 8, mostly boys, grocery budget.
I am choosing not to buy, really bad stuff, and I don't eat the half way bad stuff either.
My flaw is I bake for the boys, but eat half of it.
So I guess, I have decided to get on the stupid, weight loss band wagon.
Is it weird I wanna be able to run a marathon before I am 40?
that is my goal.
Now, stop laughing and and start praying.
I am gonna need all the help I can get.
there is no need to get all mushy and leave positive comments.
I hate those.
(man, I sound negative)
I think they are cheesy and ...I don't know... it just bugs me.
I have this feeling I will fail. And the guilt I will have from reading your comments with make it worse.
Wait until after I have lost the 1st 20lbs, then you can get mushy all over the place.
If anyone is out there and has a plan or and idea of what I could do, that is free, and something I can do in my house, that would be awesome...basically, I need a personal trainer to tell me what to do for free...just email me.