Wow, what a day.

We were on time for my appointment.

Well, ten minutes early...but registering took a longer than planned.

Up to labor and delivery, get in the bed, and they tried to hook me up to IV and draw blood, get me ready for the spinal.

My veins would not cooperate.

So we were 30 minutes late for the surgery.

Lots of scar tissue to cut through, but he was born at 12:55.

Yes I cried. I tried not to ball my eyes out, they were putting me back together.

He is everything I never knew I always wanted.

Michael Albert Bigney

(Albert is Jeff's Middle name)

He looks just like Sammy did when he was born, but with dark hair.

I noticed he has no eyebrows. Well, so fair that that tells me he will be blond.

Nathan had black hair when he was born and he is a dirty blond.

He screamed and screamed. He wasn't even all the way out yet and he was crying.

He was instantly hungry as soon as he heard my voice.

I was in recovery when I got to hold him and he stopped crying and opened his mouth ready to eat. (Emma did the same thing)

It was so overwhelming yet, perfect bliss.

He was perfect and healthy and a good

8 lbs 4 oz. 19 1/2 inches long

I was in a recovery room for 3 hours. (or so)

The hospital is so over booked there aren't enough rooms.

I finally got into a room, which I was not happy that I had to share.

They were loud at first and I was so tired, I just started to cry.

All the worrying and wonder and sleepless nights uncomfortable all came down and I was exhausted.

He was a good eater and he ate a lot. He wanted real stuff and my milk had not come in yet.

The next day after lunch they snuck me into my own room. I am suppose to be in my own room, because of the surgery, but they had nothing for me until Friday.

That was easier.

Kinda.

I cry a lot after I have a baby.

I just do.

All the emotions are all built up and then I look at him and panic sets in.

I have never been one to hold back my feelings, why start now.

yes, I panicked.

What was I thinking? I love this beautiful creature, but can I take care of him?

Can I keep him from danger?

How will I survive if anything happens to him?

Can I do this?

Now these questions having been going through my mind at every birth of each one of my babies.

And I sob for weeks trying to sort out my feelings.

Would I do this all over?

You bet I would.

I do not regret having any of my kids.

I am so scared of messing up or not doing this right I panic.

Plus, I have hormones and sleepless nights and exhaustion making me feel this way.

I have always been a worrier, it is 100 times worse when I have a baby.

It will slowing dissipate as time goes by.

Soon it will be a week and I will sigh with relief I made it a week.

Then a month, then 6 months and then a year and then I will ache for another baby. (no, we are done)

I do have drugs to blame.

They pump me with all these pain meds, and I understand why, I mean they cut me open.

Pulled and pulled and my skin just to take the baby out.

It will hurt after the spinal they gave me wears off.

and It did.

Jeff gave me a blessing Wednesday night, and it said I would be okay and that I would heal fast.

And I have.

I can not believe what I am doing now, that I never could do after I had Emma.

I had my usually shaking issue. I get so cold I shake for 5 to ten minutes. But I am not cold. I believe it is with drawls.... or something from having a baby.

Jeff has had to cover me with his body and kind of hold me down. I shake really bad.

I can not control it.

This time it was fast. It woke me up in the middle of the night. Jeff just covered me with a blanket. I was holding Michael at the time.

It shouldn't happen again.

I know so weird.

Today I feel better mentally, I have had some good sleep.

But physically, I feel off.

Totally weird.

I am planning on taking a shower and resting. we will see.

My milk is finally in and little Michael is extremely pleased.

I am counting the days until Jeff returns to Susanville.

He will only be able to come back every 2 weeks.

He was not approved for the hardship transfer.

We didn't think it would happen, but we had to try.

So I get to do all this alone.

My mom will be here yes, but my sister is still hurting from her surgery and my other sister and my sister-in-law will and can deliver their babies any day.

She has to work and help my siblings so i understand I will be doing this mostly alone.

It makes me cry even now. and Now panic has set in.

Lots of prayers will be said and faith will be my closest companion.

I know with all my heart we were suppose to do all of this , this way, but it is so very hard.

Michael is snugging with daddy, Emma is begging for me and know as soon as I rest Michael will want me again.

A few more pictures of Michael Albert.