**Edited***
No, It is not a joke.
I am posting again.
I am not sure I should share this.....
ah, who am I kidding. I am and I will.
Okay, so a few weeks ago, we got a letter.
It was telling us another letter would be coming and it would cause a rift in a relationship. Ruin it forever.
Well, I decided then and there I would just not read it.
We would "return to sender".
Whatever was in that letter wasn't going to change anything. (we did however, write a letter in response)
I spent the next 14 or so days wallowing in self pity.
No, it was really bad. I mean "thoughts of taking too much Tylenol" kind of bad.
I couldn't and wouldn't ever. No worries.
The faces of my children suffering from my decision to end my life alone whipped me back into shape.
I didn't want to leave the house, I didn't want to go to church, I didn't want to pray or read my scriptures..... I just didn't want to do anything except watch my NETFLIX obsession....McLeods Daughters. (230ish episodes of the Australian life on a Station...my dream, my heaven)
Then the letter that was "return to sender" returned to me.
As my phone died while talking to my mother, I decided to write an email to this letter writer and tell her what for. ....then..... I decided to read it.
Yes, i did. and do you know what......?
It made me soooooo MAD!!!!!!!
I am the kind of girl who says, "oh really, girls cant do .....(fill in the blank)"
I decided then and there I was not the person the letter writer thinks I am.
I am a good person...no great person!!!!
and Poo on them for thinkin' that way.
The friendship/relationship I spent years developing and trying to take care of was just slapped back in my face.
No, I am not perfect.
I have never even thought that I was perfect.
Oh well, I feel better than I have in a long time. All the doubt I was feeling is gone. I have new hope on the horizon.
I can't explain any more than that.
3 things you should know about me.....
1. I try to always think the best of people.
2. I would never make anyone feel bad about them selves no matter what.
3. Even if I did feel strongly of something about anyone, I would NEVER EVER tell them. (see 1 and 2)
So...how"s life for you guys.
I lost my glasses. and have spring cleaned my entire house looking for them.
think good thoughts.
***Edited***
I had to edit to explain something. I hope that helped. If not read the comments.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Okay
I decided to check my blog.
Mostly to see who has updated their blogs.
And I have been sitting here at least an hour. reading. being updated.
I decided I should post too.
It has been a while.
I don't even know where to begin.
Does anyone even care if I update my blog? (I know there is at least 3 out there who do)
Okay, girls camp was wonderful, I felt a little out of place. Like a first year camper.
New camp. They sing the songs wrong...er... I mean different. ALOT of people I didn't know.
The wonder that I am, was tooo shy to introduce herself.
I have been in this house just over a year and a half and I still only know 30 people in my ward.
I have a hard time letting people in.
I did fine ..okay....I did okay, when I moved to Susanville. But I had no one there.
Here, I have my sisters and mom and Aunt Kathie and cousins, my brothers too.
I don't need many friends right.
I know. I need friends. I just cant let people in.
Why would I introduce them to my falling apart life?
Okay, so the falling apart is a tad bit of an exaggeration.
I am an unorganized mess with no desire to be organized.
I have no self confidence, so severly I can't even fake it anymore.
I have to tell myself every day... "just make it through the next day....week...event..."
(just got through Harry Potter...next event is my sister Carrie's Wedding)
If I can do that, then i can fall apart.
Not that I am saying I will, I just feel like that on the inside.
Does any body understamd what I mean?
I feel like i am not making sense.
I dont wanna blog about how happy am I when I am not.
I am happy about some things, just not everything.
And why fake it? that is not me.
If I can just let one person know that she is not the only mom of six "not always behaved" but wonderful kids, a fantastic "i never deserved" hubby that works nights and overtime, too shy, not confident in her self, probably "too laid back", not organized, really funny other person know she is not alone in this world...then complaining about it here on my blog was worth it. (she doesnt even have to post....I understand)
I am ADD and I have short term memory.
So I will probably get distracted and/or forget about this blog post anyway.
See, I am funny.
I do love my kids and my husband. and I never thought I would be in love with 21 boys (all my sons and nephews). I have no better family on the planet.
No, mine is better.
I love where I live.
I am happy, but complicated.
Hey, I like that.
I am getting meds for this depression I have.
I just feel. Blah.
happy, but blah.
If you read my blog and are lost..... welcome to my brain.
I told you I was ADD.
I write how I think.
(oh, I forgot, I do love my neices too.. all 6 of them both Bigney and Scoville families)
Mostly to see who has updated their blogs.
And I have been sitting here at least an hour. reading. being updated.
I decided I should post too.
It has been a while.
I don't even know where to begin.
Does anyone even care if I update my blog? (I know there is at least 3 out there who do)
Okay, girls camp was wonderful, I felt a little out of place. Like a first year camper.
New camp. They sing the songs wrong...er... I mean different. ALOT of people I didn't know.
The wonder that I am, was tooo shy to introduce herself.
I have been in this house just over a year and a half and I still only know 30 people in my ward.
I have a hard time letting people in.
I did fine ..okay....I did okay, when I moved to Susanville. But I had no one there.
Here, I have my sisters and mom and Aunt Kathie and cousins, my brothers too.
I don't need many friends right.
I know. I need friends. I just cant let people in.
Why would I introduce them to my falling apart life?
Okay, so the falling apart is a tad bit of an exaggeration.
I am an unorganized mess with no desire to be organized.
I have no self confidence, so severly I can't even fake it anymore.
I have to tell myself every day... "just make it through the next day....week...event..."
(just got through Harry Potter...next event is my sister Carrie's Wedding)
If I can do that, then i can fall apart.
Not that I am saying I will, I just feel like that on the inside.
Does any body understamd what I mean?
I feel like i am not making sense.
I dont wanna blog about how happy am I when I am not.
I am happy about some things, just not everything.
And why fake it? that is not me.
If I can just let one person know that she is not the only mom of six "not always behaved" but wonderful kids, a fantastic "i never deserved" hubby that works nights and overtime, too shy, not confident in her self, probably "too laid back", not organized, really funny other person know she is not alone in this world...then complaining about it here on my blog was worth it. (she doesnt even have to post....I understand)
I am ADD and I have short term memory.
So I will probably get distracted and/or forget about this blog post anyway.
See, I am funny.
I do love my kids and my husband. and I never thought I would be in love with 21 boys (all my sons and nephews). I have no better family on the planet.
No, mine is better.
I love where I live.
I am happy, but complicated.
Hey, I like that.
I am getting meds for this depression I have.
I just feel. Blah.
happy, but blah.
If you read my blog and are lost..... welcome to my brain.
I told you I was ADD.
I write how I think.
(oh, I forgot, I do love my neices too.. all 6 of them both Bigney and Scoville families)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
1 whole month
I cant believe it has been that long since I blogged.
I have been busy.
Last days of school....
GIRLS CAMP.... that is what took up most of my time.
My husband is glad to have me back, but I am not happy to be.
I LOVED girls camp.
Although I didn't feel my purpose there... I loved it.
I now, have nothing to do, I feel my value...disappearing....
Does that make any sense?
People tell me I say ...divulge too much on my blog.
Isn't that what this is supposed to be?
This was never a place to brag about how wonderful my life is or kids are, Not for me anyway....or awesome my spouse is. Dont get me wrong, they are all of that, but ....hard to explain.
I am feeling the hum drums of "after camp".
Yes, I can play with my kids more, but I can also get all those projects I was putting off until "after camp" done too.
Oh joy.
It is very hot and I am sooo not in the mood to clean out closets and organize stuff.
I should be more excited that I have wedding stuff to do for my sister Carrie.
Yes, she is getting married in September. I am very excited for her. We love Brent her fiance.
I am just not in the mood.
There is more going on in my life that requires more explanation, but it is more private than I can share here. (see I don't share everything)
I feel myself slipping into a depression.
I will get over it.
I need to have a good long talk with someone...my mom is usually the very best person to whine to.
When I can do that I will feel so much better.
Maybe a beach trip or a Temple session will help?
I think so. I will give both of those a try.
so to sum it all up....
I am fine.
tired, but fine.
I have been busy.
Last days of school....
GIRLS CAMP.... that is what took up most of my time.
My husband is glad to have me back, but I am not happy to be.
I LOVED girls camp.
Although I didn't feel my purpose there... I loved it.
I now, have nothing to do, I feel my value...disappearing....
Does that make any sense?
People tell me I say ...divulge too much on my blog.
Isn't that what this is supposed to be?
This was never a place to brag about how wonderful my life is or kids are, Not for me anyway....or awesome my spouse is. Dont get me wrong, they are all of that, but ....hard to explain.
I am feeling the hum drums of "after camp".
Yes, I can play with my kids more, but I can also get all those projects I was putting off until "after camp" done too.
Oh joy.
It is very hot and I am sooo not in the mood to clean out closets and organize stuff.
I should be more excited that I have wedding stuff to do for my sister Carrie.
Yes, she is getting married in September. I am very excited for her. We love Brent her fiance.
I am just not in the mood.
There is more going on in my life that requires more explanation, but it is more private than I can share here. (see I don't share everything)
I feel myself slipping into a depression.
I will get over it.
I need to have a good long talk with someone...my mom is usually the very best person to whine to.
When I can do that I will feel so much better.
Maybe a beach trip or a Temple session will help?
I think so. I will give both of those a try.
so to sum it all up....
I am fine.
tired, but fine.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Scrapbooking
I am scrapbooking again.
(after you get over the shock that I am posting so soon after the last post, and the fact that I am scrapbooking again....
Yes, it is true.
A hobby, no art, that I was passionate about had returned into my life.
I even cleaned off my scrapbook desk and moved it out from my room and in to the living room.
My fabulous cousin Denise messaged me on Facebook, to make a scrapbook for her son. (it is a surprise, so shhhhhh, he is too busy being a boy, to read my blog, so I am not worried)
I said yes.
On top of going to Girls camp and having A LOT of little projects that goes along with it, I am a mother of 6.
I know with help from Jeff I will be able to get everything done on time.
Plus, I said yes before I knew I was going to Girls Camp.
Cross you fingers and toes, that it all works out.
I would , but I need my fingers to scrapbook.
(after you get over the shock that I am posting so soon after the last post, and the fact that I am scrapbooking again....
Yes, it is true.
A hobby, no art, that I was passionate about had returned into my life.
I even cleaned off my scrapbook desk and moved it out from my room and in to the living room.
My fabulous cousin Denise messaged me on Facebook, to make a scrapbook for her son. (it is a surprise, so shhhhhh, he is too busy being a boy, to read my blog, so I am not worried)
I said yes.
On top of going to Girls camp and having A LOT of little projects that goes along with it, I am a mother of 6.
I know with help from Jeff I will be able to get everything done on time.
Plus, I said yes before I knew I was going to Girls Camp.
Cross you fingers and toes, that it all works out.
I would , but I need my fingers to scrapbook.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
LOST
I am seriously addicted to the TV show LOST.
yes, the very one I used to make fun of.
The very one I teased my sister Sarah about.
Now I am hooked and all I want to do after the kids go to bed is watch it. Jeff and I sit together and watch....sometimes until 1 in the morning.
We finally got the netflix disc for the Wii so we could watch movie instantly.
then for almost a year we had to get the wifi.
I am literally kicking myself....
WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS A LONG TIME AGO!!!!!!
Yes, it does mean wasting hours and hours time watching TV, but there are movies, i would love for my kids to see.
and the old shows...like
Flipper and the Cosby Show.
I wonder if they will ever put the Monkee's on netflix. that would be awesome.... and the Brady bunch.
I am so excited. it is bed time and Jeff is almost home.
Just gotta get on the PJ's and get the house picked up.
I also got a new (well new to me) computer. My uncle Roger knew a guy ready to sell a used one.
I said yes.
So you may see a lot more of me on here again.
After girls camp.
After school is out....hopefully.
yes, the very one I used to make fun of.
The very one I teased my sister Sarah about.
Now I am hooked and all I want to do after the kids go to bed is watch it. Jeff and I sit together and watch....sometimes until 1 in the morning.
We finally got the netflix disc for the Wii so we could watch movie instantly.
then for almost a year we had to get the wifi.
I am literally kicking myself....
WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS A LONG TIME AGO!!!!!!
Yes, it does mean wasting hours and hours time watching TV, but there are movies, i would love for my kids to see.
and the old shows...like
Flipper and the Cosby Show.
I wonder if they will ever put the Monkee's on netflix. that would be awesome.... and the Brady bunch.
I am so excited. it is bed time and Jeff is almost home.
Just gotta get on the PJ's and get the house picked up.
I also got a new (well new to me) computer. My uncle Roger knew a guy ready to sell a used one.
I said yes.
So you may see a lot more of me on here again.
After girls camp.
After school is out....hopefully.
Photography
I love looking at photography blogs. I am amazed at how one can capture the beauty of anything in a flash....a second....a blink of an eye.
I love to take pictures myself...
okay, I am not as god as most people at taking pictures, but I am not bad.
I just need a more sophisticated camera and one class with a very good photographer.
one like my amazing cousin Felisha Cotrin.
She is soooooo talented.
She lives in Oklahoma, but she is willing to come to California to take pictures if you ask really nice. (well, and pay her too)
She is totally worth it. I would share more of her pictures, but I havent figured out how to make the pictures small enough to load on here.
that, I guess, is one class i will need first.
I love to take pictures myself...
okay, I am not as god as most people at taking pictures, but I am not bad.
I just need a more sophisticated camera and one class with a very good photographer.
one like my amazing cousin Felisha Cotrin.
She is soooooo talented.
She lives in Oklahoma, but she is willing to come to California to take pictures if you ask really nice. (well, and pay her too)
She is totally worth it. I would share more of her pictures, but I havent figured out how to make the pictures small enough to load on here.
that, I guess, is one class i will need first.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Very Little time
literally.
I barely have time to post this.
I just am so busy. and when I am not, I play the boys DS's for my down time while I listen to my daily dose of Gilmore Girls.
Our vacation was fun. Always more work for the parents (mostly moms) but it was fun. Kids had a blast.
We bought a car about 14 days before we left on vacation.
A 2004 Ford Excursion.
Nick named "the beast" because it is huge and very scary to drive. I am still practicing my parking skills in the back of the parking lot and huffing it to the from of the store. (exercise right)
It is a gas guzzler, but it fits all 8 of us.
I finally got my glasses ordered. So I will be able to see the world the way it is suppose to look like. NOT FUZZY!
I somehow lost my Cell phone.. I know... my other brain!!!!
with the help of my awesome brother I will get it tomorrow. I have been using a temp phone my sister let me borrow, and it has kept me going.
I just dont feel whole!!!!
My Sammy turned 8 and will be baptized soon.
I am now part of the Nursery at church. i am very excited. I love being with those sweet young spirits. What's not to love, Toys, snack, lesson? easy!
I am currently working on Girls camp with my Aunt. and it almost consumes my life.
My meds are working as long as I take my meds everyday.
I figured out I have RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) and having a hard time falling asleep. I get my meds soon.
Hopefully That will take care of my sleeping problems which will give me more energy so I can start getting ready to do phase one of my new life.... a marathon.
don't laugh.....not tooo loud anyway.
I will lose this hefty weight and I will run in a marathon. I WILL!!!!
After I fulfil that dream, I will learn to drive a car like an CIA agent or ...FBI!
I am tired and of not doing stuff.
Oh, i forgot ablut Salsa Dancing.... or surfing....or ......
I barely have time to post this.
I just am so busy. and when I am not, I play the boys DS's for my down time while I listen to my daily dose of Gilmore Girls.
Our vacation was fun. Always more work for the parents (mostly moms) but it was fun. Kids had a blast.
We bought a car about 14 days before we left on vacation.
A 2004 Ford Excursion.
Nick named "the beast" because it is huge and very scary to drive. I am still practicing my parking skills in the back of the parking lot and huffing it to the from of the store. (exercise right)
It is a gas guzzler, but it fits all 8 of us.
I finally got my glasses ordered. So I will be able to see the world the way it is suppose to look like. NOT FUZZY!
I somehow lost my Cell phone.. I know... my other brain!!!!
with the help of my awesome brother I will get it tomorrow. I have been using a temp phone my sister let me borrow, and it has kept me going.
I just dont feel whole!!!!
My Sammy turned 8 and will be baptized soon.
I am now part of the Nursery at church. i am very excited. I love being with those sweet young spirits. What's not to love, Toys, snack, lesson? easy!
I am currently working on Girls camp with my Aunt. and it almost consumes my life.
My meds are working as long as I take my meds everyday.
I figured out I have RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) and having a hard time falling asleep. I get my meds soon.
Hopefully That will take care of my sleeping problems which will give me more energy so I can start getting ready to do phase one of my new life.... a marathon.
don't laugh.....not tooo loud anyway.
I will lose this hefty weight and I will run in a marathon. I WILL!!!!
After I fulfil that dream, I will learn to drive a car like an CIA agent or ...FBI!
I am tired and of not doing stuff.
Oh, i forgot ablut Salsa Dancing.... or surfing....or ......
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
So much to say, so little time
I do have a lot to say.
But it is Tuesday night and Jeff is home and I can only stay as long as it take for me to eat my wonderful dinner.
So...just a couple of base words.
New
Way of
Eating
No joke.
I have been almost carb and sugar free for one week and I feel AWESOME!!!!!!! (i have a cheat day)
If you want to know what I am doing email me privately and I might tell you. lol
okay, times up. We have family movie night.
We are watching Pinocchio.
Maybe it was help with the lying and sneakin' we have been dealing with.
Never owned it until yesterday.
(dont worry, we have late start school tomorrow and we dont start until 9am)
But it is Tuesday night and Jeff is home and I can only stay as long as it take for me to eat my wonderful dinner.
So...just a couple of base words.
New
Way of
Eating
No joke.
I have been almost carb and sugar free for one week and I feel AWESOME!!!!!!! (i have a cheat day)
If you want to know what I am doing email me privately and I might tell you. lol
okay, times up. We have family movie night.
We are watching Pinocchio.
Maybe it was help with the lying and sneakin' we have been dealing with.
Never owned it until yesterday.
(dont worry, we have late start school tomorrow and we dont start until 9am)
Friday, March 18, 2011
boys
Boys are so gross.
Just a fact I thought was worth sharing.
If you live with 3 or more boys, than you understand.
If not, I am jealous.
I know that someday I will miss the bangs of basketballs on my floor, walls and doors. The shooting sounds of video games from the TV, and lots and lots of dirty, muddy clothes to wash.
Someday I will miss the bags and bags of groceries I have to buy, load and unload from the car. I will miss the dozens of meals I make every week.
And I will miss the loads and loads of dishes I wash.
The fart sounds, and burp contests, the snakes in the sinks, and bugs in the jars.
The piles of Nerf guns and army gear. The yelling and fighting and and squealing for "MOM!" The wrestling and name calling, and crying.
The scrapes and bruises from a tumbled bike ride.
Someday I will miss all of it.
But I don't like it now.
Okay, maybe a little.
But JUST A LITTLE, teeny, tiny, bit.
Just a fact I thought was worth sharing.
If you live with 3 or more boys, than you understand.
If not, I am jealous.
I know that someday I will miss the bangs of basketballs on my floor, walls and doors. The shooting sounds of video games from the TV, and lots and lots of dirty, muddy clothes to wash.
Someday I will miss the bags and bags of groceries I have to buy, load and unload from the car. I will miss the dozens of meals I make every week.
And I will miss the loads and loads of dishes I wash.
The fart sounds, and burp contests, the snakes in the sinks, and bugs in the jars.
The piles of Nerf guns and army gear. The yelling and fighting and and squealing for "MOM!" The wrestling and name calling, and crying.
The scrapes and bruises from a tumbled bike ride.
Someday I will miss all of it.
But I don't like it now.
Okay, maybe a little.
But JUST A LITTLE, teeny, tiny, bit.
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