Sunday

Sunday's are usually my worst day of the week.
I dread it.
Not really anymore.
I mean I do have to beg for help from the Lord to keep my cool and not beat my children.
(I don't.)
Matthew still doesn't understand the concept of whispering in the morning when he is the only one awake. Especially before his meds kick in.
I had a very long night. Just couldn't sleep.
Lots on my mind.
All the boys church clothes were still in the bag from going to my Mom's house a few weeks ago, so it was not hard to gather all the church clothes.
I love having a girl.
I pulled out a dress Emma hasn't worn in a while and she put her little hands to her face and ..."oh Pwetty dwess!!!"
She wanted it on. But still an hour to go before church I refrained.
I got ALOT of ..."I hate church!" and "I don't wanna go"..or "I am NOT GOING!!!!"
I ignored them and when it came time to get dressed it was not hard at all.
I knew we would miss Sacrament meeting, but we ended up early before the 2nd and 3rd hour.
Shocked...surprised and "Really!?!" about some news and changes in the bishopbric I missed hearing about just 30 minutes or so before. (Which I think is great. It will be a good thing.)
The boys ran a muck until Sacrament meeting as over.
I have to be released from the nursery soon.
My tummy is getting too big to play on the floor, the up and down is too hard.
They are working on it.
Which will be hard, since I am pretty much the only one ever who LOVES being in the nursery.
Right now,
The boys are glued to an old Disney Classic called "Fun and Fancy Free". Which, by the way they all protested and now are really enjoying.
I love these Sunday's when life is good.
I still have lots on my mind.
Disturbed by a few things someone told me...that she heard about me.
Kinda funny really. Not even worth repeating.
Looking forward to a little party tonight for a friend.
And then it is MONDAY!!!!
My favorite day of the week.
Sending the boys off to school for the day.....ahhhh...
But I am dreading summer vacation.

So once again I have bored you with my Sunday.
It was just a good day and I wanted to share.

The Simple Things

So funny.
It really is the simple things in life that bring you the most joy.


Yesterday, Jeff and I picked up some new shoes laces for Caleb and Sam, you would have thought I bought Caleb the biggest candy bar ever made.


Today, I was back at the store, and I bought 12 tennis balls for about $8.
I am the best mom ever.
I even bought Emma a Princess ball, nope, she wanted the brightly colored yellow tennis ball.
(Tennis balls are less dangerous and damaging then real baseballs.)


Last night I decided I was done with folding the millions of gross, no longer white socks. I tossed them all out and got the boys a fresh batch. (which I have to do about 4 times a year.)
While I was getting ready to sort out Jeff's socks, the boys and Emma had a sock toss. Socks flying in the air, like it was confetti.
Laughing and tossing completely and totally happy.


We are gonna have to get used to the REALLY simple life.
Our paychecks will be docked another 5%. Which means we lose any and ALL of our fun money.
My food budget will be cut some, and trips home will only be if Jeff works overtime and we plan ahead.
Our plans of saving for a house will not be part of any plan this year.
We have to buy a newer car. Our van only holds 7 and we will be a family of 8 starting at the end September.
This will be very interesting and kind of scary.

I am grateful for what I have and how everyone is healthy.
I have a friend. A dear sweet, amazing and the best mom I have ever known. (besides my mom of course) My awesome friend just found out she has some major health issues. I am very sad about it.

But I can not complain about what I don't have anymore.
Because I have more than some people do.
Because I do have a lot.
Because I have everything I need.
Simple is not so bad.
I have been there before.
It will be good for us.

My favorite simple thing:
Watching my kids be excited over new shoes laces.
What's yours?

The Deep Dark Abyss

No, I am not sad.
I am feeling very tired and sick of still being sick. (no, I am not forkin' out all that money for the doctor to tell me I have a cold and get some rest)
Jeff had the day off so we attempted to enter in and conquer the ...deep...dark...ABYSS!!!!
I cleaned my room yesterday.
It took all day. (well, we did sleep in after the boys went to school until 9:30.)
It was bad. Gross even. Just dust and stuff.
Stuff....crap...junk.
It is the room where if you don't know where is goes, throw it in mom's room.
It was tough getting started but we fought through it and WON!!!!!
We cleaned out under the bed, where we have been storing anything that would fit.
Mostly shoes and pictures, papers, there was even a small fan.
And spiders I guess. Jeff said there was a big one and it attacked him.
SOOOOO glad it was not me.
The closet alone was bad.
We had a dresser in there. Broken with only 4 working (out of 6) drawers. It was my dresser. Now Jeff and I have to share. Got that out and got rid of 20 pairs of shoes we don't wear and never will.
My wedding dress is still in there. What do I do with that? Where do I pack it? Still undecided.
Not all of it was my stuff.
I went through all my winter stuff 2 weeks ago. A lot of it was Jeff's winter clothes and work stuff that I couldn't pack up because I didn't know if he needed it.
We cleaned out our "hutch". It is an antique cabinet that has been in my mom's family for years and years. I love it. It needs to be refinished, but I am using it to put stuff in so that makes it hard.
We have been using it to store our DVD's and scrapbooks, and some CD's. And it holds up our TV in our room.
I decided I wanted a list of all of our movies. Because I don't want us to waste money on doubles.
Which would have helped a while back since we found out we own 236 DVD's and some of them are doubles.
We packed up all but about 50 DVD's and all the scrapbooks and CD's. We don't watch the DVD's and we don't look at the scrapbooks and the CD's are all on my computer anyway.
We are still packin like we are going to move.
Because either way we are moving from this house this summer.
I doubt we will get to move home until next year.
I am not freakin out about it either.
We finished..wait... we are not done, we ran out of boxes and tape and garbage bags at about 4pm yesterday.
We will finish today....hopefully. Really it is just Jeff's winter clothes to be packed up and we are done.
Next up, the hallway/linen closet.
Joy.
Jeff compares our closet to the movie Uncle Buck? Everytime you reach in to get something... stuff falls out.
Kinda nervous about that one.
I still have Kitchen and Laundry room.
Just cleaning out stuff we don't need and packin' up stuff we haven't used in the last 3 months.
This is going to make life much easier when we do get a final moving date.
I know, I bored you again with my life.
All I do is talk about moving.
I have lots of things to say, but I have learned not to share it all on here.
Yesterday was crazy busy.
I didn't make dinner, I didn't fold my now beloved laundry. I didn't even turn on my computer.
I am so in love with my laundry.
I can't wait for it to come out of the dryer so I can fold it and put it away.
I look forward to doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen.
Yeah, I think I am nesting too.

If I Had a Million Dollars

I saw a post on a blog the other day with the same title.
It was a darling story of a little boy who had to write a little short story at school of what he would do with a million dollars.
So it got me thinking....
I KNOW I will never have a million dollars.
I don't pay Lotto and I don't gamble.
I have NO rich relatives that would leave me any money.
And unless someone in my family was extremly injured, I am not one to sue anyone for money. So the only way it would happen is if it fell in my lap.
I know that won't happen either.
And I know you are not supposed to lust for money.
But a little day dreamin' about it is okay, right?
We all NEED money.
It is our only way of taking care of our family's needs. Our only way to survive.
I got me thinking about what I would do with a milion dollars.

I decided to make a list. It is okay if you laugh at me.

here we go:

• I would have Jeff's 4 runner completely over hauled and looking awesome so he can drive it for fun.
• I would buy Jeff a new truck. (we will call this his "work truck")
• Down payment on a house. Nothin fancy, just big enough for all of us, plus a scrapbook room.
• I would get a Wii for the boys.
• I would buy a suburban or our family.

I am sure after all of that, I am out of money. But if not, I would put the rest in savings. I do have 5 missions and 1 wedding to pay for in my furture. Along with college.

What would you spend that much money on?

Good News

This whole moving thing has been bugging me for weeks.
I didn't want to waste time and money moving twice.
I am not in complete denial.
I know I may not move home this next year.
I get it. I may not like it, but I get it.
It will be hard, but that just means the Lord needs us here.
So I prayed about what to do.
Do we find another rental?
Do we wait?
I got no feeling toward any of it.
Talk about frustrating.
Yesterday after Jeff got off work we had a LONG talk. He wanted to go look at houses around town. I just didn't want to.
It didn't feel like the right thing to do.
But we had to leave this house.
What if the transfer didn't come before July 7th???
What do we do?
A thought came to my mind. What if we had an extra 30 days here in this house?
"Ask the landlord", was the words that rang through my head.
Jeff agreed it would be worth asking.
But we HAD to look at a rental first. He found a house to rent for $1200 a month on the board at work. $1200!!!!!!
I know!!!!!!
But he HAD to look at it. So we did.
Wow, it was really nice for that much a month. but NO fence on each side of the house and not a very big back yard. but if it was only for a few months I thought.... maybe.
Off to the store for Memorial Day BBQ supplies... Jeff calls the Landlord and drops me off at Safeway.
Just knowing we are in dire straights and need to look for a house.
Jeff calls me from the car.
The Landlord is will to work with us.
We know he wants to sell the house, now and that is the reason for the 60 day notice.
But we will check back in every month to see if the transfer came through. But until then and we can stay here.
No moving twice, no coming up with another deposit.
No packing and unpacking while pregnant.
I think we decided that if the transfer doesn't come through this summer, we will wait.
We will move out of this house and find something different so the Landlord can sell it before winter.
We are so grateful and relieved.
We are still "spring cleaning" and packing up stuff we do not use often and storing it.
We know either way we will move from this house this year.
We have big plans for the summer to keep us busy.
Trips to the Lake and river, and trips to Sacramento. A trampoline, a mini pool for Emma, and a slightly bigger one for the boys.
Possibly a Wii. Jeff says no, I say yes. So we will see.
They need stuff to do while I am at home with them.

So happy right now. Such a huge weight has been lifted.
There is a plan.
The waiting is the hardest.

It's a boy!

I know you all knew that.
We had our official heath check ultrasound.
Everything looks great.
He was flashing us like crazy. That is perfectly normal for one of my boys to do during the ultrasound. Spread eagle, open wide for everyone to see.
Emma was dainty as can be and hid herself for a long time. (we are talking 4 ultrasounds later she was confirmed a girl.)

here are some of the pictures:The big round thing the arrow is on is not his body. Placenta I think.

His face.

this is the ultrasound from Sacramento.

The pictures are not very good. He looks like Caleb's ultrasound pictures.

He is pointing at us.

At least it is not the middle finger.

No name yet.
Cameron is just not right.
I don't like typing it. It doesn't feel right.
I even tried yelling it out loud... you know..."Cameron Glen Bigney get your fanny over here now!!!!" It does sound okay, but looking at it bugs me.
So we are still looking.
It is still on the list...well the only one on the list, but I am looking for a baby name book.
Wish me luck.

Sick

So I woke up this morning with a runny nose.
I was hoping it was allergies, but alas it is not.
Emma did not take a nap yesterday and since Jeff and I were doing a dinner and movie double date with some friends, I didn't worry. She will just go to bed easier.
HA!
She fell asleep as I was getting ready for dinner.
We tried to put her to bed, but she woke up. Did I mentioned she had the cold first?
She didn't feel well. She was happy and playing all day so I didn't think any of leaving her home with her brothers. She just had a runny nose.
She wasn't cranky for them and all was well, dinner was gross (Black Bear Diner) and took forever, we almost missed the movie.
We hit Uptown theaters here in Susanville and along with our double date couple and 3 other men in the theater, we watched the best movie I have seen all year.
Star Trek.
If you haven't seen it or even thought about it....seriously, no fan or fan ...go see it.
It is worth it.
If you didn't grow up watching Star Trek (we were forced, we didn't have a choice) then you probably won't get some of the inside jokes, but it really is good.
It is very exciting and never a dull moment.
We got home in time, to put Nathan (who refused to go to bed earlier) and Matthew to bed. Feeling really bad because the next day was a school day. (I know I am a bad mom)
And to clean up the very big mess they left after babysitting.
I can not go to bed with the floors a mess. Drives me crazy.
I think I got about 2 hours sleep, between Emma, the heat, and Sammy.
I am so tired.
My head hurts. My throat hurts.
I just want to sleep.
Tomorrow is my ultrasound so hopefully I will feel better by then.
I just realized I bord you with my life.
Sorry about that, it must be the cold.

Busy Sunday

I know today is suppose to be a day of rest.
But I got so much done.
I skipped our special stake conference and stayed home and finished a bunch of stuff.
We are still spring cleaning/packing.
When we cleaned the boys room on Saturday it was so totally and completely disgusting we took everything away.
*Update*
My sister suggested I insert and make sure I say...since we have to packup anyway...and switching the boys from the little room to the bigger room....might as well pack it all up anyway right?
No Dressers - they are living with limited clothes. Just enough to get through a week. (I will just have to wash them more often.)
No Bunk beds - they are sleeping on the floor.
No Toys - All packed (except a few swords, guns and army guys and a few stay toys we are finding in the back yard. They play video games or play outside anyway.)
It should be easier to keep everything clean until the move.
I finally packed any washed winter clothes.
I know!!! It was like 90-something today.
I will pack more I am sure. I have a TON of stuff in the laundry room.
I even made a ham dinner with home made mac and cheese. I wanted baked potatoes but it was too hot to have the oven on that long.
The most embarrassing part was when Jeff was in the middle of taking down bunk beds, and I was sorting winter from summer clothes when our Bishop showed up. The place was a mess. It took me 5 minutes to clean off a space for him to sit.
Nice.
I guess someone let him know I was upset about the boy thing. He said he was really busy so he hadn't gotten the chance to come by until tonight.
I reassured him I was doing fine. Jeff was there, and Jeff told him it was bad, but I REALLY am doing good. Great even.
(by the way, I would never hurt myself, I don't trust anyone else enough to take care of my kids, but thanks for your concern.)
I still have a million things to do. I just wanna clean everything out and get rid of junk.
The bonus is I will be more than ready when moving day comes.

Update*
Boy name - what do you think of Cameron Glen Bigney?
(Glen was my Grandpa's name)

The Sweetest Smelling Static Cling

My morning has not begun. I just can't get anything done.
I have the sweetest smelling static cling sticking to my side.
Her name is Emma.
It is really hard to resist her charming sweetness.
Right now she is putting garage sale stickers all over my arm and anything holding still while watching Max and Ruby, and holding on to my arm as tight as she can. Like I am going to abandon her any second.
I may just lose my mind.
I have so much to do.
It is spring, and it is time for spring cleaning. Only I gdon't get to just spring clean i get to clean because am not moving all this crap.
Moving... I really hate moving.
We have brought more stuff into this house in the last 3 years we have lived here and so now we get to pack up all this crap.
Another thing making me crazy....we still don't know where we are going.
I am not buying a house here.

Don't get me wrong, this town is great. I really mean it. I have more friends here than I have ever had, and they are all some of my favorite people. (even the ones that don't like me)
I will miss them all very much.

But I NEED my kids to be around their family. I want them to know their grandparents and cousins. I can't do that if we are here and they are 4 hours away.
Do we get a rental here only to get the transfer any minute? Move twice...no thanks.
I am moving back to Sacramento.
End of story, that's my final answer.

Ihave a kinda funny, cool story.

8 months ago, we talked about transfering and I began to panic. PANIC! Almost cry. I knew I couldn't move. I had to stay here. I had too.

Now, I am having that panic feeling again, but now it is a "I NEED to be home" panic.

I have to.

The patiently waiting for when is very hard.
Jeff and I are finally on the same page. He really wants to move to Sacramento. Almost more than I do. (which surprised the heck out of me)
There are so many rumors going around at work, transfers frozen, transfers not frozen....we just don't know what is going on.
I am getting to that pulling your hair out, running around the house, screaming frantic.
We do have until July 7th to be out of here. So there is some time, but I don't want to wait until the last minute to be ready. I mean, what if the transfer comes through, next week and we have to leave in a week?
I needed to "spring clean" anyway.
Wish me luck.
Oh good, the "oh so pretty and sweet smelling static cling" is glued to Max and Ruby.
Thank goodness for DVR and DVD.
I just might get something done today.

Boy Names

I have to get serious.
I know I have time. I have until Spetember 24th.
But have never not had a name.
You see, with all of the boys and Emma, we had names already, so as soon as we knew, boy or girl, it was set.
And they all came out, and looked just like the name we picked out. There was never a question.
Emma's name I have had since about the time I was pregnant with Nathan.
I held on to that name for 9 years.
Sammy's name I knew before I had Caleb. I was still pregnant and I said to someone, "If I have another boy his name will be Samuel."
Nathan's just seemed right.
Matthew was almost Calvin, like Calvin and Hobbs. Which makes me giggle because he is just like Calvin. Always in a day dream, thinking about anything other than what he is suppose to be doing or thinking.
Caleb was actually a name my sister Aimee wanted. I got pregnant first so I got to use it first. She had Carter a few months later. Caleb would not have fit his personality anyway. ( i know she would agree with me)
So now, I am 22 weeks pregnant with my VERY LAST baby.
A boy.
And I have nothing.
And not for a lack of trying.
Haven't I been asking for a while now?
I don't want it to be different. Like Porter or Jackson.
I don't want it to be to Bible like. Like Luke, Peter or John.
I want it to flow with the rest of them.
Matthew, Nathan, Caleb, Samuel, Emma..... I mean Jeff and Katie are not anything crazyand I think they all flow together....
I need a flowy name.
I have already listed the names that are not available. (check a previous post)
Daniel, I just don't like.
We already have a Robert Bigney...twice over I think.
Micheal is a no.
I need some help.
I am hoping my next ultrasound (which I think I mentioned this before) will help spark a name. If I see his face again..maybe it will help.
I have asked for help before, so I am not really asking again, but if you do have something I would not mind.
And just thinking now, I was so certain it was a girl before, any previously mentioned names I really didn't consider, so bring them on.
Help me.
I hope he has brown hair like Caleb and green eyes like Jeff.

Vocabulary Lesson

Okay, your word of the day....

BRAT:
1. someone who cries for days over something she can't change and didn't know she always wanted what she got.
2. someone who had a tantrum and is mean and rotten to everyone; says the meanest things she really doesn't mean, but is so mad and regrets it all days later.
3. someone who blogs about, publicly.
other names; Katie Bigney

So it hit me like a ton of bricks last night, and I have felt nothing but bad and guilty since.
I just want to hang my head in shame.
I am almost embarrassed to show my face.
I realized what a twerp, brat, a spoiled brat at that, I was being.
Why wasn't I grateful I was having my 6th baby I knew I was suppose to have?
Why wasn't I happy it was a boy, after all the other wonderful boys I was given before?
The answers are simple.
Because I was a big spoiled brat.
I wanted something i wasn't in charge of and had a big ol' tantrum.
I totally understand if you want to disinherit me as a friend.
Who'd want this drama queen around all the time, never knowing when she will "get mad" again if she doesn't get her way.
This has humbled me. So much I can't even tell you.
Actually I can and will. (because I am me, and I do that)
I will try to explain it the best way I can....
I realized, through the help of some emails and some comments and advice from the best person in the world...my mom.
I won't tell you what they said, (it's private), but I will say, it MADE me really take in what I have got.
No, it isn't exactly what I was planning on, but that is life.
It made me really open my eyes and see how underneath all the gross-ness and grime, and mostly disgusting-ness, they are my favorite people.
I really changed the tone around here.
I am not as worried about the mess, and I am enjoying them more.
I have said before I wanted 6 kids. And I joked that, so everyone will have a friend to sit with on the Disneyland rides.
Well, I was blinded by brat-ness and didn't see it, we all still do. An even 8 peoples int he family. Each one of us will still always have a friend.
I sincerely apologize for my bratty-ness.
Hopefully I will have learned from this and it will never happen again.
My brother joked about getting me a licence plate cover when I was a teen that said:
"I'm not a brat! I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!!!!"
Well, I am not anymore.

Blessings and Regrets

I realized today, I don't talk about the best thngs in my life enough.
Someone mentioned something and i guess i really wanted to share that I don't say it enough.
I do realize my blessings. I am not always so down.
Here are my blessings:
1. Jeff
2. Matthew
3. Nathan
4. Caleb
5. Sammy
6. Emma
7. Baby Boy Bigney (no name yet)
8. Family
9. Friends
10. Being here today and feeling great. (I am not a liar.)
11. Husbands' job
12. Roof over our head (not for very long eek!)
13. Food to eat.
14. Healthy children.
I have a lot to be grateful for.
I know there is more.

My regret list is longer. I won't share all of it. (it would take too long.)
I will share top two of the day... how about that.
1. I regret really sharing my grief, (which to some is not a thing to grieve over) so openly on my blog.
2. I regret while I was venting, I hurt someone I really care about.

I know I have said I would hold back on sharing too much on my blog. Several times.
My mind is going over and over everything.
I am not really as horrible as I sounded. I swear.
I am SO FAR away from that place I was in.
Hard to explain.
I have spent too much time dwelling on my mistakes today. I need to get over it, learn from it and move on. I have to feed the boys.
Luckily we are just having pancakes for dinner.

Venting

I have come to realize that maybe I should not be venting on this blog.
That is what I have been doing lately.
Just letting off some steam.
And I ALWAYS feel better when I am done venting.
I go back and read it and I feel even better. Great therapy.
Unfortunately, I have worried quite a few people with my venting.
No, it all probably isn't as dire as I felt it was hours ago.
I got some stuff done so I feel better.
I need to make a check list of things to get done and that alone will lift the stress level.
I really don't want to move to another house in town and then get the transfer papers and moved again...do you know what I mean?
Believe it or not....I do LOVE my boys.
I am grateful for them, they are not all that bad.
I miss them when they are at school. I thank the Lord for my kids every night. And not just Emma.
I know to some people who are not able to have kids or have any more kids, I sounded down right horrible. For that I am truly sorry.
My boys are hard. And probably just hard for me. Four boys in a row IS hard.
I want them to be a certain way...cleaner, nicer (mostly to each other), helpful and most of the time they are not.
No matter how hard I have tried or what ever I have tried to do to get them to be cleaner, and nicer, and more helpful.
That is where I get frustrated. It builds up and I explode.
On my blog.
I really hot people realize I am not a naive as I sound.
I mean, I know what it sounded like a few days ago...it sounded like depression...and it was there.
But it is not today.
I can't explain whyor how it happened... I am pinning it on divine intervention...but I am just not sad anymore.
Honest, hand on a stack of Bibles and Books of Mormon!!!! I swear!!!!
I am bummed...but that is as far as it goes. I will mention all of this to my doctor. Don't worry.
I know Emma will be very protected and adored and spoiled by her Dad and brothers...and boy cousins... (there will be 18 boys on that side now).
That I am a little worried about, I will admit. Just because I don't want her to be a brat.
I hope I have made all who was worried feel better.
I am grateful to you, those of you who expressed your worries. You have no idea how it touched my heart.
I am truly and honestly doing great.
It isn't what I planned, but it is still good.
I am good.
I will try not to vent so hard. I will still be honest...(why lie?)
But I will try to hold some back...I'll just save it for Jeff.
Poor guy.

FREAKING OUT!

I am.
I need to calm down, but I can't help myself.
We were served with our 60 notice to vacate this house with no reason why.
We don't know if we have done anything wrong.
We have no idea.
SO we have until July 7th to be out if here.
We don't know what to do.
A friend who lives here checked out some houses to rent and they all want a year lease.
I AM NOT LIVING HERE ANOTHER YEAR!!!!!!!
There is so much to be done.
And I wanted to get started. I wanted to be able to say everything is packed except the things we need to live with.
But no.
Jeff took a 3 day Hospital coverage in Reno.
On his weekend.
With a million and one things to do.
Yes, we have a good chunk of time, but I wanna be ready in case we find a house to rent and we can move in right away.
Just because we have those 56 days to move, doesn't mean we have to stay here for all of it.
Jeff put in his transfer papers to move home to Sacramento.
They (Sacramento Office) told us a month or 2 tops.....Yeah, my eye, now we are hearing it (here) is frozen until December.
I WANNA HAVE MY BABY IN SACRAMENTO WHERE MY MOM CAN HELP ME!!!!!!!
This is just crap.
So now I have to get going and pack.
I decided to keep myself busy and pack up the one thing I really don't use anymore.
My scrapbook stuff.
I haven't scrapbooked an actually page since I think November...maybe it was January....but still, I am packing everything I use most often in my travel scrapbook bags, and everything is boxed up.
Almost done.
Now Emma room is a mess and it is gonna take me a while to get it cleaned up again.
I need more boxes.
Next is the boys room.
Since they don't really play in there and all they do is dump out everything, we are gonna pack all of it up anyway.
We are gonna move them into the big room until it is time to "vacate".
Okay, so now you know the other reason why I was so....weird yesterday, on top of everything else, my dreams were dashed....all of them.
Not living in this crap hole of a town, not having my baby in this crap hole of a town, and not having a girl.
I think I have a right to be grumpy and to freak out a little.

Maybe, just saying it outloud

I think that I scared a few peoples.
Sorry for that. I should have used my other super private blog to vent.
I guess I could delete the whole last post.
But I won't.
I think I needed to read it.
And I did.
I read it a few times.
And I do feel better.
I am still sad but...
I guess I mean to say, I am doing better.
Like a world of difference.
Maybe saying it out loud and not having anyone saying something back, and just getting it off my chest, made me feel better.
Maybe I am just starting to except it.
I am even getting excited for the next ultrasound.
I am even getting excited to see this baby again.
I think really getting a good long look at him will be good for me.
I talked it out with Jeff...again.
And he asked me.
He asked me how OUR baby was doing.
And it clicked.
Everything changed...like magic.
It all made sense.and it was going to be okay.
I am still sad....maybe sad it not the right word.
A better word is bummed.
I had so many plans, and I wanted Emma to have a sister.
I have 3 of the best sisters ever made.
She will never know what it really is like to have that bond.
I know it will be a different bond with a little brother....anyway...if I dwell on the negative.....
I just wanted to share the ups of the day so no one else gets freaked out about the down.
Can you spell hormones?
No, I am not some freak of nature.
Well, maybe I am.
I don't know how else to explain it.
before the ultrasound, I was really worried about how I was going to react. I told a few people this.
And I was right, I did react very badly.
My Mom said I needed time. (she is so awesome, if you don't have a Mom like mine, I am really sad for you)
Maybe someone out there prayed really hard for me, maybe the Lord knew I would take it hard, but He knew I would be okay.
I know there is a reason I am having another boy.
Maybe some day I will really know.
Right now, at this very moment, all I know is that I have some great family and friends out there I do not deserve.
Right now, at this very moment, I am not sad it is not a girl.
I know, I know, freak of nature.
One minute I am this way, the next I am that way.
Miracles do happen you know.

Boy oh Boy!

Saturday was my ultrasound in Sacramento.
My Mom was busy with a Stake Relief Society activity so she didn't get to go with us.
We waited 45 minutes and when we finally got in to see the ultrasound tech he wasn't even in there.
We waited a few minutes and he started.
As all my boys were he was spread eagle and showing himself off. I knew it before ultrasound said it.
It's a boy.
He also said his cord was between his legs.
He showed us the spine and measured his head.
I am now due...September 24th instead of October 5th.
Am I excited?
NO.
Think bad of me, judge me all you want.
Until you have lived with 4 boys you just don't know.
Living with four boys is nothing, then you throw Emma, beautiful, wonderful, cute, pretty, adorable, lovely princess in every way, sweet Emma... you would not want another boy.
A eventually stinky, messy, wrestling, dirty rotten boy.
Like I said, think bad and judge me if you must, but unless you have lived with these creatures, you have NO idea.
I am not the only one that is sad.
Jeff was devastated. Yes, most men, want boys. He is just as in awe of our sweet Emma. He wanted another Emma.
He has handled it better than I have.
I admit, I left the room trying to hold back tears. And yes, I did cry on that ultrasound table.
I will say it.
I don't want another boy.
I don't even want to be pregnant anymore.
Go ahead really judge me now.
Think awful things of me.
You can't say or think anything that I haven't already though of myself.
I have been crying for days.
I cried almost all day Saturday.
My mom was awesome. She said everything I needed to hear. She didn't ever make me feel bad.
She understood, when I didn't want to be happy for my sister Carrie. (who is having a girl)
I don't want to share my girl clothes. I want to keep them all.
I feel as if I am mourning.
Mourning a dream I have had since Sammy was born 6 years ago.
I knew we were suppose to have 2 more kids. I KNEW it.
I was hoping the Lord would take pity on me and give me girls for all the boy crap I would have to deal with.
And I swear if I hear one more time..."the Lord gave him to you for a reason"...."Just think of all the priesthood members in your home", or "think of all the missionaries....." I am going to scream.
I am not stupid. I know that.
I know more than anything.
I still don't want another boy.
I don't want all the other crap that goes along with having a boy.... loudness, fighting, dirt....you just don't know. You just don't understand.
I will have all that comes with having a boy.....times 5!!!!!!!
I am just so mad.
Another boy.
I don't even have a name.
I ALWAYS have a name.
I ALWAYS have one ready.
I guess I am more mad I was not prepared for this.
It was a total shocker!!!!!
I didn't really get to see this baby. The ultrasound tech was suppose to give us a 20 minute video and he barely explained anything. I was so upset too.
I thought I felt it...you know woman's intuition....and the heart rate was high, just like Emma's, (the boys were always way low), I didn't have a boy name. (I really tired hard to find one. Really, I swear).
This is making me cry.
My heart is broken.
Like I said a few times before, judge me, think ill of me, not be my friend anymore.
I don't care.
I am having a hard time.
So don't talk about it.
Don't say your sorry or happy for me.
When I am ready to talk about it, I will.
I am trying hard to be excited.
Maybe when I get to my next ultrasound, we will actually see if the baby is healthy... (that other place can not tell you that, just the sex of the baby and a due date)... and a good look at his face.
I need a name.
If you have a baby name book I can borrow, I would love it.
I am thinking maybe if I have a name...well maybe it would help.
I just had a thought as Jeff walked into the door, he doesn't even ask me how that baby is.
I think he needs time too.
Okay, so I have gotten that off my chest, do I feel better? not really.
I will need time.
There is more going on top of all this....but that is another post.

*****Post Update/Edit*****
If you are laughing at me about this...then you are really mean.
To me this is not funny.
Unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, you KNOW nothing.

Update and recipe!

Some one asked for my recipe for my Homemade Mac and cheese.

So yummy and only 5 items... unless you include seasonings then it is more.

Katie's Homemade Mac and cheese

one package desired pasta. (sometimes I use bow tie, macaroni, or even penne)

1 can cream of chicken soup

1 cup sour cream

3 cups cheddar and monterey jack cheese

salt and pepper to taste

1 tsp onion salt

Cook noodles to almost done.

Drain.

Mix sour cream, cream of chicken soup and 2 cups of the cheese. 

mix noodles and cheese sauce well.

Pour into casserole dish.

Sprinkle remaining cheese on top.

 Bake 

350 for 20 minutes or until cheese is melted and slightly brown.

So easy and if we want leftovers I have to double the recipe.

Now the update.

We are in Sacramento for mother's day weekend.

I asked for nothing but this. To see my mom, we decided to do an extra ultrasound. 

It is at an 3D place, but we opted to just get it on DVD and find of the sex of the baby.

So excited and nervous.

If you don't know me, you won't know, I have 4 boys already.

You won't know, that I really want another girl.

So badly that i am worried about how I will react if it is a boy.

Wish me luck. I know it is already set, nothing can change, but pray for me, i don't get all sad and depressed.

I am so excited about this baby. I love it already.

I pray it will be healthy.

I know it will be beautiful.

I am so excited.

But worried.

Think good thoughts and maybe a little pink too