Maybe, just saying it outloud

I think that I scared a few peoples.
Sorry for that. I should have used my other super private blog to vent.
I guess I could delete the whole last post.
But I won't.
I think I needed to read it.
And I did.
I read it a few times.
And I do feel better.
I am still sad but...
I guess I mean to say, I am doing better.
Like a world of difference.
Maybe saying it out loud and not having anyone saying something back, and just getting it off my chest, made me feel better.
Maybe I am just starting to except it.
I am even getting excited for the next ultrasound.
I am even getting excited to see this baby again.
I think really getting a good long look at him will be good for me.
I talked it out with Jeff...again.
And he asked me.
He asked me how OUR baby was doing.
And it clicked.
Everything changed...like magic.
It all made sense.and it was going to be okay.
I am still sad....maybe sad it not the right word.
A better word is bummed.
I had so many plans, and I wanted Emma to have a sister.
I have 3 of the best sisters ever made.
She will never know what it really is like to have that bond.
I know it will be a different bond with a little brother....anyway...if I dwell on the negative.....
I just wanted to share the ups of the day so no one else gets freaked out about the down.
Can you spell hormones?
No, I am not some freak of nature.
Well, maybe I am.
I don't know how else to explain it.
before the ultrasound, I was really worried about how I was going to react. I told a few people this.
And I was right, I did react very badly.
My Mom said I needed time. (she is so awesome, if you don't have a Mom like mine, I am really sad for you)
Maybe someone out there prayed really hard for me, maybe the Lord knew I would take it hard, but He knew I would be okay.
I know there is a reason I am having another boy.
Maybe some day I will really know.
Right now, at this very moment, all I know is that I have some great family and friends out there I do not deserve.
Right now, at this very moment, I am not sad it is not a girl.
I know, I know, freak of nature.
One minute I am this way, the next I am that way.
Miracles do happen you know.