Boy oh Boy!

Saturday was my ultrasound in Sacramento.
My Mom was busy with a Stake Relief Society activity so she didn't get to go with us.
We waited 45 minutes and when we finally got in to see the ultrasound tech he wasn't even in there.
We waited a few minutes and he started.
As all my boys were he was spread eagle and showing himself off. I knew it before ultrasound said it.
It's a boy.
He also said his cord was between his legs.
He showed us the spine and measured his head.
I am now due...September 24th instead of October 5th.
Am I excited?
NO.
Think bad of me, judge me all you want.
Until you have lived with 4 boys you just don't know.
Living with four boys is nothing, then you throw Emma, beautiful, wonderful, cute, pretty, adorable, lovely princess in every way, sweet Emma... you would not want another boy.
A eventually stinky, messy, wrestling, dirty rotten boy.
Like I said, think bad and judge me if you must, but unless you have lived with these creatures, you have NO idea.
I am not the only one that is sad.
Jeff was devastated. Yes, most men, want boys. He is just as in awe of our sweet Emma. He wanted another Emma.
He has handled it better than I have.
I admit, I left the room trying to hold back tears. And yes, I did cry on that ultrasound table.
I will say it.
I don't want another boy.
I don't even want to be pregnant anymore.
Go ahead really judge me now.
Think awful things of me.
You can't say or think anything that I haven't already though of myself.
I have been crying for days.
I cried almost all day Saturday.
My mom was awesome. She said everything I needed to hear. She didn't ever make me feel bad.
She understood, when I didn't want to be happy for my sister Carrie. (who is having a girl)
I don't want to share my girl clothes. I want to keep them all.
I feel as if I am mourning.
Mourning a dream I have had since Sammy was born 6 years ago.
I knew we were suppose to have 2 more kids. I KNEW it.
I was hoping the Lord would take pity on me and give me girls for all the boy crap I would have to deal with.
And I swear if I hear one more time..."the Lord gave him to you for a reason"...."Just think of all the priesthood members in your home", or "think of all the missionaries....." I am going to scream.
I am not stupid. I know that.
I know more than anything.
I still don't want another boy.
I don't want all the other crap that goes along with having a boy.... loudness, fighting, dirt....you just don't know. You just don't understand.
I will have all that comes with having a boy.....times 5!!!!!!!
I am just so mad.
Another boy.
I don't even have a name.
I ALWAYS have a name.
I ALWAYS have one ready.
I guess I am more mad I was not prepared for this.
It was a total shocker!!!!!
I didn't really get to see this baby. The ultrasound tech was suppose to give us a 20 minute video and he barely explained anything. I was so upset too.
I thought I felt it...you know woman's intuition....and the heart rate was high, just like Emma's, (the boys were always way low), I didn't have a boy name. (I really tired hard to find one. Really, I swear).
This is making me cry.
My heart is broken.
Like I said a few times before, judge me, think ill of me, not be my friend anymore.
I don't care.
I am having a hard time.
So don't talk about it.
Don't say your sorry or happy for me.
When I am ready to talk about it, I will.
I am trying hard to be excited.
Maybe when I get to my next ultrasound, we will actually see if the baby is healthy... (that other place can not tell you that, just the sex of the baby and a due date)... and a good look at his face.
I need a name.
If you have a baby name book I can borrow, I would love it.
I am thinking maybe if I have a name...well maybe it would help.
I just had a thought as Jeff walked into the door, he doesn't even ask me how that baby is.
I think he needs time too.
Okay, so I have gotten that off my chest, do I feel better? not really.
I will need time.
There is more going on top of all this....but that is another post.

*****Post Update/Edit*****
If you are laughing at me about this...then you are really mean.
To me this is not funny.
Unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, you KNOW nothing.